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Open Reply to a Recruiter

I received the following email from a recruiter today:

Hi Joshua Townsend

Hope you are doing great,

I am currently in search of Network Engineer for an esteemed client and I wanted to contact you to see if you are comfortable and available. Please send me a word version of resume and the best way for me to contact.

If you know anyone, who is available and comfortable, Feel free to pass my contact details to them. Thanks in advance and hope to hear from you soon!

Title: Network Engineer

Duration: 6 month(s)

Location: Richardson, TX or San Jose, CA

Skills:

CCNP, EIGRP, ACE load balancing configurations, L2 VLANs, L3 VLANs, Nexus, Cisco IOS, Spanning Tree Protocol (STP), Rapid Spanning Tree Protocol (RSTP)

Description:

  • Must have CCNP or be almost done with in order to apply!!!!

Job Description

  • Identifies, diagnoses, resolves and documents network problems
  • Create and maintain comprehensive documentation for all implemented networks utilizing MS Word, MS Project, MS Excel and Visio
  • Excellent interpersonal and communication skills
  • Ability to thrive in a collaborative team environment
  • utilizing the company change control process in order to ensure compliance with the organizations data center and security standards
  • Install, configure, maintain network services, equipment and devices
  • Plans and supports network layer 2 and 3 infrastructure
  • Strong analytical abilities and professional office experience needed
  • A thorough understanding of the OSI network model, Ethernet, and TCP/IP networking

A practical level of experience implementing and administrating common TCP/IP-based services, including DNS, DHCP, HTTP, FTP, SSH, SMTP, etc

Technologies
LAN, WAN, TCP/IP, DNS, Latency, QoS, EIGRP, BGP

Equipment
Cisco Layer 2 and Layer 3 Switches – Nexus 5K and 7K and Catalyst 6500E
Supervisor 720
Cisco 3845 Routers
Console Router configuration
Cisco Network Analysis Module (NAM)
Load Balancing (Cisco or third party)
Cisco Firewalls ASA and PIX

Technical Skills and Requirements
1. Certifications: CCNP (CCNP in progress is also acceptable but is based on experience and knowledge level)
2. Education: Bachelor*s Degree in Computer Science, Information Technology or similar
3. Experience with the following systems: Windows, Cisco Systems, UNIX, Linux
4. At least 5 years experience building and supporting complex corporate data centers and networks

5. Excellent presentation, communication & customer interaction skills

Thanks & Regards,
Ashish Kr Verma
OKAYA Inc.
Where Commitment Is A Passion

I usually just press delete on this nonsense, but like political survey calls and door-to-door siding salesmen, sometimes not answering just can’t satisfy.  And plain old no-thank-you answer won’t do – I like to toy around before I bat you away (really, you woke me up early on a Saturday with an annoying doorbell ring, double-knock, ring to ask if I want new siding when it is plain as day that I am super-pleased with the dented up old siding I have).  This was one of those cases….  Here’s my reply:

Hi Ashish Kr Verma,

I hope you are doing great also!
It is so kind of you to wish greatness on me.  The world would be a much better place if everyone just tried to do great (instead of whatever it is the kids are doing these days).  Your hoping for my greatness adds to my general wellness.  I hope my wish for your greatness leaves you well, as well.
You came right out and listed availability and comfortableness important factors in future conversation you you.  Since you have been so forthcoming with me, I’ll cut straight to the point:  I am not currently available – my wife of 8 years can attest to this fact.  I will say, however, that I am quite comfortable – I have a great family, a nice job, a quaint little home, amazing friends, good health, and most of my hair.  I have found that comfort and availability often run counter to each other, and that when they do run together it is often a sign of mental illness, infidelity, or an inherent misunderstanding of the OSI model, if you catch my drift.  If you’ll settle for one of your two qualifying factors for talking to you, I’ll continue to speak towards your 6-month Network Engineer position with an esteemed client in Richardson, TX or San Jose, CA.
As for my skills as they pertain to the job you have described, I can do all of that and more!  The only skill I lack is CCNP.  CCNP is a really hard skill to learn – I’ve heard there is even a test for it! Can you believe that?  I have thought about learning CCNP, so I feel that I might as well be almost done with it (and I hope you’ll agree).
However, because of my low degree of availability and high comfort factor, I am afraid that I may not be the ideal candidate for the 6-month Network Engineer position with an esteemed client in Richardson, TX or San Jose, CA.  Maybe if you had a position:
1.)  close to my Northern Virginia home… let’s just say if I hear more than two songs on the radio on my drive to my current office in the morning it is a bad start to the day – a commute to Richardson, TX or San Jose, CA would really put me in a bad mood, thus inhibiting my ability to fulfill these essential job functions:
  • Identifies, diagnoses, resolves and documents network problems
  • Create and maintain comprehensive documentation for all implemented networks utilizing MS Word, MS Project, MS Excel and Visio
  • Excellent interpersonal and communication skills
  • Ability to thrive in a collaborative team environment
  • utilizing the company change control process in order to ensure compliance with the organizations data center and security standards
  • Install, configure, maintain network services, equipment and devices
  • Plans and supports network layer 2 and 3 infrastructure
  • Strong analytical abilities and professional office experience needed
  • A thorough understanding of the OSI network model, Ethernet, and TCP/IP networking
2.) that lasted more than 6 month(s) – I’m big into commitment, I dig jobs that last years, not months
3.) that more closely fit my skills and interests (you should have noticed I’m a technical manager with a background in VMware virtualization, storage, and Microsoft server systems),
4.) with an awesome company (your client may be esteemed (more like ego-maniacs, am I right?) but my current employer is just downright cool to work for), and
5.) presented it to me in a not so spammy way… I might entertain a discussion with you about it.
But then again, probably not.  I’m really not into unsolicited commercial email, which really is what you sent me (there should be some kinda law about that….). Thanks to you, I am now really turned off by esteemed clients everywhere in Richardson, TX or San Jose, CA.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is “thanks, but no thanks”, Okaya?  I hope you are as passionately committed to removing me from your mailing list as I am to adding you to every spam filter I can find.
Thanks & Regards,
Josh

Comments

  1. I don’t care who you are, now that’s funny…(Forgive me Lord and watch over the Pygmies in New Guinea…).

  2. Even from a recruiters standpoint…that was funny. I guess I should not send you the email for a job I’m recruiting for. 🙂

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